We all know that February is the only month of variable length, and the only month with fewer than 30 days. But of greater concern here: it’s the only month that most Americans can’t pronounce.

That includes radio and TV commentators, whose job it is to say things right. There are a few meticulous media types who correctly say “Feb-roo-ary.” But for every one of them, there are countless others who say “Feb-yoo-ary.” Then there are those who fecklessly say “Febber-ary”—at least they’re trying, but it only makes “Febber-ary” all the more annoying. Last and least is “Feb-wary,” a feeble cop-out.

I hauled out my American Heritage dictionary, about the best you can get this side of the 20-volume Oxford English Dictionary, and I checked to see what the renowned American Heritage Usage Panel had to say about pronouncing February.

It turns out the answer is: a lot. And I hate to butt heads with this great dictionary’s panel of experts, but I have a big problem with the “Usage Note” I found. It said that “Feb-yoo-ary” is “quite common in educated speech” and “generally considered acceptable.” Whaaat!?

Wait, it gets worse. “The loss of the first r in this pronunciation can be accounted for by the phonological process known as dissimilation, by which similar sounds in a word tend to become less similar.” By this dizzy reasoning, your six-year-old has been right all along in pronouncing library “lie-berry.”

“In the case of February,” the panel adds, “the loss of the first r is also owing to the influence of January, which has only one r.” I guess this means we get so accustomed to “yoo-ary” after 31 days of January that our poor little brains and tongues can’t make the adjustment—but the compassionate arbiters on the usage panel want us to know it’s OK, they understand.

Well, to me, this is a dismal misstep by the panel, usually so strict and no-nonsense in its findings. Legitimizing widespread carelessness is where madness lies. Such leniency is an unappetizing leftover from the anything-goes 1960s. That’s when the language was taken down the dead-end trail that has brought America to the brink of illiteracy. That’s when traditional grammar was attacked as elitist, even racist, for supposedly stifling spontaneity and marginalizing the underclasses by imposing on them its tyrannical rules. This was the position taken not only by the rebellious youth of that era, but also by many self-doubting teachers and professors, who chose appeasement over their solemn responsibilities as keepers of the cultural flame.

Anyway, reeling from this seeming betrayal by one of my most trusted allies, I sought and found a second opinion in There Is No Zoo in Zoology and Other Beastly Mispronunciations by Charles Harrington Elster. The enlightened Mr. Elster did not disappoint: Feb-roo-ary “is hard to say, and so most people say [Feb-yoo-ary] because it is easier, not because it is right … [Feb-yoo-ary] may now be standard, but it is still beastly.” Amen, brother.

But Elster wasn’t through. In a direct dig at the American Heritage panel, he said “certain dictionaries have gone to great lengths to tell you that a fancy linguistic process called dissimilation is at work here … the result being that most educated speakers now replace the first R in February with a Y …

“That is a very convenient explanation, which makes a mispronunciation look right because so many people use it, and makes the correct pronunciation look wrong …

“Therefore, I will not dissemble about dissimilation, or feed you some malarkey about how [Feb-yoo-ary] is an alternative pronunciation based on analogy with January.” Ouch—a stinging rebuke from an indignant word nerd!

As for me, I’m not quite that angry with the American Heritage dictionary, which I consider an invaluable resource. I’m just glad I have others like Elster, too.

—Tom Stern